Or Alcoholism: February 2006

This bugs me to no end.

This commercial irritates me. Why is this acceptable? I'm no prude when it comes to sexuality in advertising, but if a twenty something guy was acting in a seductive manner towards a thirteen year old girl, people would be up in arms. How is a twenty something woman and a boy not disgusting?

Mommy Body

I mentioned in an earlier post that I gained fifty pounds during pregnancy. I lost 15 of those the day Sam was born, and another 10 in the last three weeks. So there are 25 pounds to go, though if I only lose 15 of them, I'll be really happy.

It took me 9 months to gain all the weight. I'm giving myself a goal of July to lose it (so 5 months from giving birth ). Once the weather is good enough to go out I can take Sam in his stroller and hit the park. I'm not going to diet, because I have to keep a high caloric intake to breast feed, but I am trying to eat really healthy. One cool thing is that I don't seem to have an appetite for junk food since having him. I guess that's to compensate for those bizarre Burger King fry cravings during the second trimester. I crave fresh fruit and yogurt. My body is making me want what I need, I guess. Or I could be in shock from watching "Super Size Me" last week (seriously good movie...but you will never want to eat fast food again).

Maybe this is stupid, but I really want to be able to fit into my leather pants again. It doesn't have to be soon. I don't need to be "The Hot Mommy". I know I will never have the rockin' body I had a year ago, and that's fine by me...Sam is a trillion times better than tight abs.

I just don't want to live in sweatpants for my kid's childhood, and I am sure my husband doesn't want that, either.

Oh, last night (last night being Friday, this post being finished on Saturday) we went "out"! We went to a party at a business associate's house. Sam came with us, and every person there made such a fuss over him. Especially the host's ubercute 2 year old granddaughter. She offered him a cracker ("He hungry?") when he started to fuss. I explained that he can't have crackers because he has no teeth. So she offered her broccoli.

I wore a dress and my sexy boots and everyone kept telling me how great I looked. It felt so good.

He loves that bouncy seat!

When he snores, he sounds like a squeaky dog toy!

I don’t want to be one of those women who cannot talk about anything but her children. I could talk about the recent Dick Cheney hunting thing (and maybe I will, later). I do have conversations about other things, with my husband, mostly.

Thankfully I have not become one of those wives who refer to their husbands as “Daddy” all the time. So far, I have only called him “Daddy” when talking directly to Sam.

Having made the above statements, I am now going to talk about my child.

He’s amazing. Seriously, all this kid does is sleep, fill diapers, chew on my breasts, stick out his tongue and wiggle.

He fell asleep on my chest the other day and I started to cry. He’s so small and soft and warm. His little back was slowly going up and down as he breathed and I was overwhelmed with how much love I feel for this little tiny person. This little tiny person that my husband and I made. He blows my mind.

While Praying Over My Newborn Son

On the first night home (that he and I actually slept) I prayed over his bassinet. I prayed for a restful night for him, me,my Beloved, and my Mom. (asleep on the couch in the next room) I prayed that I would be a good mother. I prayed that he would grow up to know that my love for him is unconditional, and that he would forgive the mistakes his father and I will make. I prayed that I'll find the balance of protecting him without smothering him.

When I finally allowed myself to get into bed, my mind went to where I am in life now, as opposed to where I was a year ago. I started thinking about who I am supposed to be now. If Sam wasn't here, my life would have different goals. I'd be planning to finish my education, probably, and looking for a job that pays more than the ones I have had previously. Now those are back burner. Staying home with Sam is what I'll be doing for at least six months. That time I will spend with him is crucial to both of us.

When I started this blog, it was about discovering who I wanted to be. Now my life is not primarily about myself.

Who do I need to be for Sam?

I have tried to shy away from religion at Or Alcoholism. I find that a large selection of people tune you out when they find ot you have a defined faith. Considering the publicity the Christian Church has made for itself lately, I can't say that I blame them (after listening to Tom Cruise give Matt Laeur a verbal smackdown, I have a prejudiced view towards a Scientologist's ideas).

I am a Christian. I Consider myself a member of the United Church of Christ. I was raised Congregationalist, and went to a Nazarene college. There, they did a good job of breaking my faith, believing that you aren't a Christian just because you were raised in a Christian home. Faith is something requiring thought...ask yourself why you believe what you do.

God has felt more present in my life lately (I believe He always is, I just tend to forget it). I guess that's because of having Sam, of seeing a miracle happen in my own body.

The question is no longer who do I want me to be.

Who does God want me to be?

I can ask that and feel safe in the knowledge that along the journey, I will discover that who I want to be is who God has wanted me to be all along. As frustrating as the big questions are, I am glad that it is not spelled out for me, and grateful that I have free will.

Now my son is waking up from his nap. Who I have to be right now is a diaper changer, most likely.