Tuesday, February 07, 2006

While Praying Over My Newborn Son

On the first night home (that he and I actually slept) I prayed over his bassinet. I prayed for a restful night for him, me,my Beloved, and my Mom. (asleep on the couch in the next room) I prayed that I would be a good mother. I prayed that he would grow up to know that my love for him is unconditional, and that he would forgive the mistakes his father and I will make. I prayed that I'll find the balance of protecting him without smothering him.

When I finally allowed myself to get into bed, my mind went to where I am in life now, as opposed to where I was a year ago. I started thinking about who I am supposed to be now. If Sam wasn't here, my life would have different goals. I'd be planning to finish my education, probably, and looking for a job that pays more than the ones I have had previously. Now those are back burner. Staying home with Sam is what I'll be doing for at least six months. That time I will spend with him is crucial to both of us.

When I started this blog, it was about discovering who I wanted to be. Now my life is not primarily about myself.

Who do I need to be for Sam?

I have tried to shy away from religion at Or Alcoholism. I find that a large selection of people tune you out when they find ot you have a defined faith. Considering the publicity the Christian Church has made for itself lately, I can't say that I blame them (after listening to Tom Cruise give Matt Laeur a verbal smackdown, I have a prejudiced view towards a Scientologist's ideas).

I am a Christian. I Consider myself a member of the United Church of Christ. I was raised Congregationalist, and went to a Nazarene college. There, they did a good job of breaking my faith, believing that you aren't a Christian just because you were raised in a Christian home. Faith is something requiring thought...ask yourself why you believe what you do.

God has felt more present in my life lately (I believe He always is, I just tend to forget it). I guess that's because of having Sam, of seeing a miracle happen in my own body.

The question is no longer who do I want me to be.

Who does God want me to be?

I can ask that and feel safe in the knowledge that along the journey, I will discover that who I want to be is who God has wanted me to be all along. As frustrating as the big questions are, I am glad that it is not spelled out for me, and grateful that I have free will.

Now my son is waking up from his nap. Who I have to be right now is a diaper changer, most likely.


Blogger Joy said...

Just read this post, I must learn to get my thoughts together.

Just glad to know I'm not alone.

6:12 PM  

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