Friday, December 03, 2004

The Unavoidable Truth

I can't do it anymore. I wanted to, I tried. I tried to pretend that I actually had some kind of self outside of the disease that is killing my husband. I tried to find some sort of purpose and meaning in my life, but that is impossible, because I no longer have a life.

All that is real is what I felt moments ago. My husband is suffering. I am powerless.

This disease has consumed our last two years. It is going to consume any future we may have together. I am so tired of fighting the insurance company, of putting my hope in doctors who keep feeding him drugs, keep promising some kind of relief for him. I am so tired and so alone. I have friends who say things that sound so empty. They pray for me, but their prayers aren't doing anything. God doesn't seem to care. I am alone and my husband is going to die and there is nothing that I can do and this is the only thing that I am. Almost a widow. Stuck in this horrible Purgatory. Desperately hoping for one more day with him and so badly wanting him to go, just so he won't have to suffer anymore. I am guilt and grief and that is all. And I am alone.


Blogger Dr. Pauly said...

Life is about small simple pleasures. I hope you can find solace in the those things.

5:09 PM  

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